Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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