I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
