just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I touched a dick in church today
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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