Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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