glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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