so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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