come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
