Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
