I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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