I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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