Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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