I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
