My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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