I'm drive I can fine osifer
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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