I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
