Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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