Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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