I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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