Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
