I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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