Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
