I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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