I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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