What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize