i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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