Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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