It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
