I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
How's work?
Spinning.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
