the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
