I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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