apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
