Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
