If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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