a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
