they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
