??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
do herpes really smell.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
