You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
