I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
