I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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