3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
