I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
