Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
