I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
