4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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