sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
