I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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