I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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