Will you blow on my dice?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
