ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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