i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
