Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
