Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
