he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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