Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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