I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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