im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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