Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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