if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
