Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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