I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
