Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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