she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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